Phan - Someone's got to keep you safe

Dan Howell - despite being a hermit - is an obnoxious little shit.

This is sort of cute some times (like when he lies in the middle of the hall muttering, 'oh dear lord, I am going to die') and less cute at others (when he won't move when oh my God, Dan, just get off the floor you idiot).

"You could do with some help."
"Are you my mother?" Phil asks with a grunt, grabbing the box of Cheerios back off of him.
"You could drown."
"I could-" but then the cheerios are gone and Dan's walking back to his bedroom, hips swaying with every step.
Like I said - an obnoxious little shit.

--

When the doorbell rings the next day, Phil bounds up to answer it, just so Dan doesn't end up buying out all the stock of whatever the guy's selling.
He throws open the door with a deadpan expression, but then somehow his face drops even more. "Chris. PJ."
"Hey, dude!" Chris leans in for a hug, planting a huge, sloppy kiss on Phil's cheek. He wipes away the trail of drool with a slightly disgruntled 'ewww.'
"What're you here for, then? For Dan?"
"No," PJ quips with a huge grin. "Technically, actually, yes. He's called us to move your bedroom."
"I- what? No."
"Um, yes, Dan says it's to ensure your safety. He's moving your things away from the windows and putting blackouts on your windows. We talked him out of bars. I mean- man."
"Jesus Christ." Phil pauses. "Thanks for talking him out of the bars."
"Love you!" Chris drawls before bounding up the stairs, and PJ can only give him a sympathetic look. "I am so sorry."

--

Turns out Dan got the bars anyway.

--

The next day Phil downloads a torrent of The Sims. He buys Dan his own lavish mansion, filled with all the most expensive items in the catalogue. He motherlodes the hell out of it, then locks Dan in the kitchen, leaving the stove on. He can't help but giggle.

--

Dan walks in and notices Phil's screen while he's in the toilet.
They don't talk for over a week.

--

Phil's bed belongs to him. He belongs in it, not anyone else.  
He wakes up with Dan planked over one side of the bed, his hand fisted in his hair.
The only thing Phil finds strange is that Dan managed to get through his locked door. He figures Dan kept the keys.
He shuffles over, drapes an arm over Dan, and falls back asleep with a scowl on his face.

--

Phil wakes up alone, and wonders how the fuck Dan left, and if he thinks Phil never noticed him there at all.
He wanders out into the bathroom, showers (he found out that if you plug the drain with a sponge, you can float Dan's miniature Avengers ducks), and then smacks face-first into the glass door of kitchen.
"Hey," he says to half of Dan's ass. His boxers slid down.
"Hey," Dan turns around to face Phil with a smile. "Sleep good?"
"Why do you care?"
"Someone has to keep you safe."
"I am, uh, fine sleeping alone?"
"I know you are."
"What were you doing?"
"Making sure you don't fall out again."

Phil opens his mouth a few times before he notices he must look like a goldfish and mutters a small, 'oh.
He doesn't want to be greeted with the information that Dan has most likely done this before, and he wonders when he last even washed Dan's sheets, and anyways, when did he? Had he been sleeping with Phil for that long?

"I don't fall out of bed?"
"You have! Once, when you were eight. Your Mum told me."
"Ah- yeah - wait. My mum? When did you talk to her?"
"I called her to see if you were afraid of anything or if you have any allergies or anything. It's my job to keep you safe."
"You're not my.. boyfriend."
"I know," Dan says with a shit-eating grin. "But I like to play pretend." And then he hitches up his boxers, pushes a bowl of Ready Break towards Phil, and walks away. Phil can hear him curse and then a bang. He sighs. "You're not my Mum, Dan!"

--

"My mom asked if we were dating."
"We're not," Dan smiles.
"I know," Phil says, pulling the drawstrings on his pyjamas even tighter.
Dan blushes and almost goes to loosen them, but then retracts his hand faster than Phil's ever seen him move. He blushes and then looks away.
Phil thinks it's kind of cute.

--

Phil tries to ignore it when Dan pushes a cap hard onto his head, pulling him up onto his shoulders as they walk through the park. Dan had already lathered Phil with half a bottle of sunscreen, and that had been awkward, shivers running up Phil's spine when Dan's hand reached the small of his back.
He wriggled his nose, still feeling the blob of cream tickling him.
He tightened his legs around Dan's chest. "Don't walk too fast."
"Cutie patootie," Dan sang, staring on as he walked, a smile on his face.
Phil planted a small kiss on the crown of his head.

--

Phil's gotten sort of used to Dan climbing into bed after him now. He's sort of worried, because he posted something on Tumblr earlier and his fans all got sort of angry, and Dan had posted something about it and then the whole thing had gone up in flames.
"Dan, you know I'm not going to die?"
"I know," Dan says with a sleepy sigh. Phil tightens his arms around him and pulls him closer.
"I'm not going to fall out of bed."
"But you could."
"Would not."
And then Dan kisses him.